broken.

i am broken. all alone. i know that this will pass and someday it will be fine. but i thought that four years ago and it has still affected me. why is this happening. i don't understand. love isn't supposed to be like this. it is supposed to work out and its not. i don't know what to do. i can't handle this.

henna tats

oh yeah buddy i got one! i have wanted to get one for a long time, but today FINALLY kels and i called a name on a card we got at the anthropology museum and asked her about getting some tats on us. we showed up at her beautiful home and i felt we were in fairy land! an old brick house with huge trees and vines and herbs growing around. she herself was beautiful in a very naturistic way with long curly hair and three dreads with beads in them and long dark eyelashes. we talked and looked at different designs while her year old daughter told us what was pretty and what she liked. they were very invigorating people. i asked the little girl what her favorite color was and she said "i like of the colors" with a questioning look. i later asked her what her favorite animal was, and again she "liked them all". she also went on to tell us about three different things she was going to be when she grew up and continuously talked. the woman said to us, there is your birth control right there. she never stops, you won't want to do that thing for a long time now. get your careers first. she also told us not to be anxious to be married because the longer you're married the more comes out. wooo. but really she was a wonderful person. she was exotic and herself. she is an artist and graduated from utah state with an art major. she just does henna on the side because people like it and encouraged her to do it. i enjoyed being with the people. they were so different from myself. i make decisions and i have favorites and i clean. it was an eye opener in a good and bad way. overall i loved it. i now have a chinese symbol on my arm that means eternity and a peacock on my foot. i adore them.

happy veterans day

and pray for the wolfkiel and leavitt family--- they have been in my thoughts and prayers all day.

have a blessed day


M

the little things

first of all. i am officially in a relationship. if you have ever read the princess bride, and have read the part when she realizes that she loves wesley and it is overpowering and magical and almost heartbreaking, then you will understand how i feel about him. and just like buttercup who had hope that it would all be alright in the end, i did too. and it is.

today i am greatful for everyday things. having a best friend who is willing to drop everything so that we can go and visit our other best friend in provo. why? because she needed us and we needed her. we had a one LONG night sleeping on the hard kitchen floor of a dorm in provo and you know what? it was 100% worth it. i am also greatful for the best friend who puts up with me. i almost lost her last week. we fought for one whole day and we were both sure it was at least 3 days. (i was convinced like two weeks because my time is a bit off) regardless i love her. my life would be so so so different without her and i would not be as happy or appreciate things the way i do if i didn't have her.

i am greatful for family. beautiful brothers and sisters and nephews and best friends for parents. although i get frustrated and angry and hurt sometimes they are my life. there would be no point without them. i also love hearing what they say and think. i read hollie rae's blog religiously. i cry almost every time i read it but it is always a good thing.

i am also greatful for the beautiful things in life. the gorgeous mountains here in utah. they make me feel so small and remember who i am and where i came from. i love S. E. Needham jewelers. oh it is precious. i love jewelry stores and it is perfect. wood paneling and all. i love great harvest bread where if they are in an extra good mood they'll give you the slice of bread for free. i am greatful for good health because i know what it feels like to be sick. i am greatful for life and for the journey.

XOXO

M

monday madness

mondays are insane. why do they exsist anyways? i woke up this morning hungover (literally) from nyquil. i love medication. that stuff will kill you. i couldn't see right my mouth was cotton and i was sleeeeepy. i went to my class and kept falling asleep. i then went to the library and slept on a random couch for an hour and a half, (basically homeless) then went to my next two classes which i also fell asleep then i came home and slept for 3 hours. and i'm still tired. i don't get it either other than my body responds hardcore to that crap. but anyways i did get to work for only 3 short hours which was so nice and i was able to go to FHE with my crazy family that we discussed conference and then tip and i went to the gym and worked our butts off. ;) ok just me considering she doesn't have one anyways but you know what i'm saying. now i'm ready to sleep again. i'm a confused girl. i hate it when i thought i knew things and then my thoughts on it change and i get worried and confused. happily i am not worried, i'm done with that, i just am confused. so i'm just going to get a date with one of the cuties at the gym. that'll make everything better =D oh also i decided what i'm changing my major to. i bet you wish you knew huh? not going to tell. loves
M

this weekend.....

this was a goooood weekend. quick, wet, crazy blisters but definately so worth it. =) i met the amazing fun myers family in brigham city on saturday and we all sqwooshed and sqwashed together in their car and went to salt lake city. yeah baby ;) only the home of my FAVORITE temple. anyways, we went there and had some fun. i'll be honest nervous is not even a word to describe the emotions. i've never gone anywhere with a boy's family before. strange. but matt and i are great friends and i have known their sweet family for a while now so it was quite all right. the boys went to the priesthood session while the girls went shopping. and i showed self discipline by not purchasing one flippin thing. woo woo woo. anyways this story is getting long. lets just say we walked a lot and being escorted by matt myers is always a pleasure and conference was so good. i love it! then we went back to brigham today and i left. so. short. but it was nice to see him =) and his family =) =) not to mention being able to listen to the prophet in person and being surrounded by thousands of people knowing the same things and always trying to be better and emulate christ. an overwhelming and great feeling love love

general conference. a weekend with a boy and his family. WHOA. sounds like a lot of fun to me =)
wish me luck.
off to be by my favorite place in the world with one of my favorite people. i'm such a lucky girl
love love
M

today was a good day. everything is better today. =)

today i miss my mom

yes thats correct i miss her a lot. i went to the relief society general broadcast (instead of utah state's homecoming game that we surprisingly won) and it was so good. i didn't know that they were actually having it broadcast in our building this week until about an hour before so i quickly changed my plans attempted to do my hair and went slightly late but earlier enough to hear everything. i sat in the very back all alone. i took notes. i listened. i thought. i cried. and i was happy. there is so much joy in doing what is right without being told to do so. i thought of my mom. i thought back to when she was first put in as relief society president and how i didn't make it as easy for her as i should have. i also thought of how i learned to love relief society and all of the sisters in my home ward because of my mom's example. it made me long for that here. i realized the importance of everything that my mom did for women in my ward and in others before and after that calling and what she continues to do in her new calling. i miss that. i loved to watch her study her lessons and prepare for things and have her meetings. in my heart i knew everything she was doing was so good and i want and still want to be like that. i also watched the young young young mothers (like the same age and slightly older as me! eeeekkk) take care of their darling babies while still attending the broadcast when there were so many who weren't there. i was inspired by the small showing of women that knew that going to the broadcast was much more important than anything else they were doing. there was inspiration and thought to be had and we all got it. today i am blessed just as every day and i am so so so grateful. oh i love my family. each and every one of them but especially my mom and dad today. they are so good. love love
M

february 24

oh i wish i wasn't impaitent. i wish i wish i wish. but that makes me up to be who i am also. i look forward to things and in turn become impatient for them. it is hard to not push and press and ponder on what my life will become. i just want to be secure in knowing where i stand. oh the joys of being an in betweener =)

today was a hard day. college makes me sad. there were no tears, (well except for when i read hollie rae's blog but thats fairly normal) but there was heartache. there are so many unanswered questions in my life that make me so tired that i cannot fall asleep. if only my exams were the things that i really worried about.

tomorrow will be better. i said that yesterday and it didn't work, but tomorrow really will be better. it will be a good day because i will make it a good day.

today i will stop worrying about my past and my future and focus on life. it will get better because it always does i just have to be patient. loves& hugs from my tiny room to wherever you may be. xoxo
m

tomorrow.

yesterday was JARED LAVERN'S birthday. i feel bad i didnt' wish him happy birthday sooner. i hope it was magnificent but with a wife like hollie and a son like morg how could it be anything but? i love you little keller family. =)

tomorrow is a new day. technically it is today since i do not sleep but it will be a good one. a day of change. love

m

new life

Want TO know Whats LIBERATING.

doing

WHATEVER

I

WANT

it rarely happens. but when it does i am genuinely happy.

nothing like cutting your hair almost off to feel good and weightless.

and then! re-dying it dark. yummmm makes me happy.

utah is cold now. i wake up in the morning and my lungs don't want to breathe for fear of freezing. lately it has been harder here. this past week i just went home.

home

home home

home home home

home home

home

already i miss it. who would want to go to college after coming from where i've been raised.

i saw my room for the first time again on thursday night and i started crying. i couldn't help it. there goes my youth i thought. and already i'm back here. in logan. bummer. =) but here's the beauty. i. can. do. what. i. want. i make my own life. go megan keller

xoxox

COLLEGE

i like logan. it is a pretty place with big mountains and trees and fresh air and almost every morning i wake up too early for megan keller and i walk up the hill to my college. i breathe in the fresh air and almost pass out because it is a HIKE ugh. but i do LOVE to look over the valley as i climb to the top. also every morning busses zoom past me as i make my climb and i wonder who i'm missing on each load of lazy bus riders. i like college. well the school part anyways. i like all of my classes except for american history. that class is a joke. my professor drones on about nothing that is interesting and what you have been told over and over again but no one ever listens. also the fact that she remains me of a woman version of my old boss whose employeeship i dropped like a hot rock, doesn't make her my favorite either. but otherwise i like my classes. too much busy work though. but its interesting. it is fun to watch all of the people that live here. so many different people. so many mormons and jack mormons. too short of shorts, too many peircings, tats, bad words, and mean faces. interesting. tippy and i live in the smallest room of our apartement. we also happen to have the most stuff so we're packed right in tight tight tight. we are very snugsy so we love it for that reason. we have been watching the second season of gossip girl and have been taken care of by mr. drewby our knight in shining armour. he protects us. makes sure we don't fight too much, heps us when we're sick, and cooks us delicous dinner. what a SWEETHEART. he is our best friend. mine especially. he takes care of me =) the "city" of logan is a beauty. i love logan. the people are scary at wal-mart, but otherwise i haven't even gotten in a close collision which is miraculous in itself. i also cut my hair. talk about liberating. i feel like a new girl! chic and sophisticated, and then i come down to earth and realize i'm what boys would call "cute" not alluring which is a bummer. the thing about college is that you are surrounded by people doing what they want and becoming who they've always wanted. i like it. i get lonely here though. it is strange for me to be unknown and not talked to continuously in all of my classes. strange new concepts. i am just learning here. thats all.

hollie rae that is. =)

hollie ray is an angel!!!

WOOOO HOLLIE FIXED MY BLOG!! YAY!!!

so several things have happened since the last entry. i am now a college student. i don't eat real food. and no one tells me what to do anymore. (except for the 3 to 6 calls a day from mom) =) otherwise no. life is good. and i cut my hair. but that is another story for a different day. loves

hollie ray is an angel!!!

WOOOO HOLLIE FIXED MY BLOG!! YAY!!!

so several things have happened since the last entry. i am now a college student. i don't eat real food. and no one tells me what to do anymore. (except for the 3 to 6 calls a day from mom) =) otherwise no. life is good. and i cut my hair. but that is another story for a different day. loves

TRAILS///TRIALS

oh the memories that this sign brings to my brutha presbyterian. =) but thats not the story i'm going to tell. the other night i was laying on a couch directly in front of this sign and it was fairly late, i was very tired and my mind read TRIAl not TRAIL. i thought it was very interesting and it made me think. i thought a lot about how it would seem so much easier if there was just a sign that said trial this way or up ahead. a warning sign so you'd know to turn around and go the other way or to be ready for it. but it doesn't work like that. partially why trials are trials is because you don't know when they're going to happen and the point is that you're supposed to always be ready and when you aren't its your own fault for making it even harder then it would have been. but at the same time i know that we have trials when we are ready and when we aren't because we are supposed to be tried and tested. it makes us stronger, better and always humbles us. sometimes our trials are obvious, open, and people can see what is happening, other times it is a personal thing that no one ever knows about. regardless trials are blessings that just need to be refined. they help us. they are presents, we just have to work for them just like opening them and untaping th boxes and sometimes they're taped way too much and it doesn't seem worth it, but when you finally get to whats inside and you see why you worked so hard you realize just why you had to go through it all. (present analogy brought to you by the fact that my birthday is in a mere 2.3 months. woooooooo) anyways just something to think about. progresseion progression progression. the end.

also the testament is a fantastic movie full of the spirit and just sets the tone for a great sunday.

LAST WEEK AT A GLANCE

cousins are very fun i stayed at kelsey's last night and we stayed up unti 330 this morning i was guided around outside by lexi lou and chole the crazy and it was very fun they have a horse now and her name is glitterbug so so so cute i came home and mom dad and myself went to lunch in franklin with grandma and grandpa keller we then proceeded to drive to the oxford cemetary while discussing where to be buried where and why talk about uplifting and exhilerating wooooo but we did go and walk around and grandma told us stories about our ancestors and who married who and all of their stories most of which i found very sad lots of deaths and broken families it seems but oxford is a beautiful cemetary uncle rindy chose a great place to be buried now we are back at grandma buttars and we are enjoying some delicious frappe arent you jealous its refreshing and grandma especially loves it which makes me like it even more
also since i have read taffys blog about the books she has read and how she was so distracted by the sentance structures i decided to not capitalize anything and not to use and punctuation what a pill muahahaha that is all

This Morning I Woke Up To This....

here in napoleon ville...........

yes i mean preston idaho. woo woo =) we are enjoying staying at grandma buttar's house and being lazy =) yesterday we went to my future home of logan utah. (hate the name but its a good place) i registered for classes and will be taking only 14 credits. luckily for me i get out of class at about 11:20 on MWF'S and at 12:00 on TTH. i'm quite thrilled. i joined the HURD also known as the biggest club on campus invented by a great guy (cory mikelson who's with the ambassadors woooooooo) one of my new goals: OVERTAKE THE HURD sometime before i get out of college. the weather here has been a little bit like my attitude. bi///polarrr its been raining and storming and then sunny and nice. we just can't make up our mind the weather and i but we understand each other. i have been able to see my little buddy MORGAN and i just love love love him. in only two days i will get to see bodie-bear and lovely-levi who hasn't yet met his favorite aunt. I CAN'T WAIT. we are all in the same boat together. we're the BABIES of our families and we're all alone with the parentals. but together we're the BOMB. i love my little boys <3 already though i am missing boise. i miss the familiarity and being able to see my friends and to just recognize people everywhere i go. for now i do not have that here and it makes me anxious. i don't like to feel alone. i am getting much much older. last night we went to grandma and grandpa kellers house and i walked around the ranch. i pet the horses and talked to the cows and remembered things like throwing walks in the pond, riding 4-wheelers, floating bear river, bridge jumping, watching jared and blane play basketball, catching water skippers, playing detective with kels, feeling privelaged to stay all alone with the grandparents. i love that i have all of the memories but i don't feel old enough to leave them behind and make new ones yet. but CHANGE IS GOOD and LIFE GOES ON.

Things i LOVE to LOVE

THIS IS REAL

this is my first blogging thing. =) now i'm part of the blogging community.

i love you family