it's confusing don't you think

life.
oh life.
it confuses me. why things change. why things that we want the very most don't work. why friendships don't seem like friendships anymore. why things just change. everything is always changing. i am always changing. but at the same time, i never have changed, i'm the same as i was when i was tiny i just have to act like a grown up. i wonder how often people that i view as old feel. how they think of going out and dancing and then look at their hands and realize that they aren't twenty-something anymore and that they better stay home. my new philosophy is that i could easily die anytime, anyday and so i might as well do what i want while i can. now don't take this as some creepy note or anything about death, but i have been thinking about how time and circumstances change your actions. so if i want to go tanning now, YES i will get wrinkles later but guess what? i will anyways! i might get cancer but you can also get cancer from water bottles left in cars, styrofoam in microwaves, small children, genetics, lots of things. so rather than living for the future i am trying to live for right now. to do things that are enjoyable. my new favorite days are not the best days or the worst days. they are the days that just "are". those are the days that are special because life is a blessing and it is enjoyable to be apart of it. school is good. i like my classes. there ARE very attractive boys here i just didn't see them because i was wearing blinders before. but all of a sudden they're popping up all over the place! so it's ok to smile on the bus at a cute boy. it's ok to enjoy the simple things. and to not have to control everything because when i try it gets ruined. so instead i am just going to live and see what happens. that is all. xoxo
M

today was the beginning

today i started my new semester. today i got ready. today i was nice to people i didn't know. today i went to a basketball game. and today i even already read most of a chapter for my psychology class. tonight he didn't say goodnight, the only communication that he has been allowing, and tonight i deleted everything i ever said to him including pictures on stupid facebook. why? well here is the thing, i feel that i am being let go, and to be let go, you must also let go. i don't want to be that girl that continues to go back and look at things that used to be. i want to pretend like it never happened and someday it will feel like it never did. so here i type on this blog because i can't sleep until he says goodnight.... it's going to be a long one. but i am resiliant. i am strong. and i am not scared to be alone. i know that this is happening for a reason, and i know that there are things i will learn from this. i will only be made better through this situation. and someday, i might be able to find someone that will push away my fears of never being loved equally, and i will be blessed and happy. or i might never get married in this life and that too would be alright. i am trying and that in itself is something.

there are so many times that i wish i could feel the same way i felt at a certain point in time because i don't feel that way anymore. there are times that i want the strength, the patience, the confidence, the ability to laugh things off, so easily like i once had, but then i don't feel the same. sometimes it is frustrating. tomorrow is the beginning of a new semester. i am so scared. i feel as if tomorrow is my first day of college. tippy is not coming with me this time, and i don't know anyone in any of my classes. before the idea of this would have seemed so appealing to me. i used to LOVE getting to know every single person and being friends with them. now, not so much. i am much more reserved and people just make me nervous. living here makes me nervous. i don't like the continual hunt that everyone is on, even though i also am involved, my experience and relationship was far away and almost not real, here there is always drama whether good or bad of fantastic relationships or failed ones where everyone involved is hurt and thought that something more would for sure happen. i don't want to get into that. i should attempt going on dates but it just doesn't seem appealing to me at all. i am very comfortable not caring about what some boy thinks i should think, act or look like. but i am lonely at the same time. such a stupid cycle. either way, i am nervous about going to school because it is my natural self to make friends with people. that is just how i am when i have to be. i can't not talk to people and so it is my first day of school all over again. almost like a second chance at least knowing what i am going into this time. there is a part of me that see's the challenge and accepts it and is looking forward to new things and new friends, but also the part that is just wanting to hold back. i need to work on being more open and allowing people into my life so that they can bless it and maybe i can bless theirs in some way or another somehow. either way tomorrow will happen and i can make it good or bad, and it will be good. night night xoxo
M

i will never drink dr. pepper again

tonight was my night for a drive. yes again i found myself alongside my best friend, this time he was instructed to not talk and we listened only to a mix of music that i had made before going. there was a baconater with wendy's, fries, and a dr. pepper. this my last supper so to speak. i will never drink dr pepper again. not for a new years resolution, or as a diet or anything stupid like that. but for the memories it brings to me. no more. this night was truly my night to ponder and think of not only the past year, but of the past years, i thought back to 2006 to present and i smiled and cried and thought. the familiar road does not make me nervous like it used to. it brings me peace, knowing exactly where we are going, exactly where we will turn around, and exactly when we will be back from the starting time. i like knowing the end before i begin something. tonight we did not drive as fast. there was no heavy music, but that of mostly women, singing about loves that they have lost. one of my favorite lines "i'll move on baby just like you, when the desert floods and the grass turns blue, when the sailing ship don't need a moon, someday then i'll stop loving you" the road was clear until we got to my favorite spot, it is a turn right before the lookout onto bear lake before you go down into the town, there it magically was snowing, one moment it wasn't and the next around the corner there was snow. i hate snow normally, except for this kind that only happens in movies and my dreams, it was like pure diamonds, (i love diamonds) just softly falling. like glitter covering the road and trees. beautiful coldness enveloping everything. we wound down the road and i saw a dear, or the white tail through the darkness and snow and i told him, of course he didn't believe me, but i have been trained to look for deer on the side of the roads while driving through all weather from a dad and a brother, and we turned around, sure enough right where i had said there was a very masculine deer with a set of antlers, with his beautiful doe just behind him in the saftey of his presence. oh what love. that was my reminder. love is happy. not always no, but underlying always it is peaceful and protection and knowledge that you will be taken care of and loved regardless of what comes your way. i just haven't found that yet. as we drove back to my new home my sadness was not so sad. i knew that someday this day would come that my last words would be, "it's ok. it's done." and today was that day, and today i really meant it. not out of spite or anger or hurt, but out of love itself. because it is done and it is time to move on.

"I guess it's gonna have to hurt,I guess I'm gonna have to cry,And let go of some things I've loved,To get to the other side,I guess it's gonna break me down,Like falling when you try to fly,It's sad, but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life,Starts with goodbye."

welcome 2010. i am ready for something new. xoxo

M

night vision

last night i found myself in a truck alongside my best friend at four in the morning. crazyness. this kid was in a bad mood, and when he's a grump he drives. i know this and let him go often, but last night for some reason i was scared to let him go alone. my motherly controlling instincts kicked in and i rolled out of my bed at 2:56am so that i would know that if he did hit black ice or an elk, at least i would be there to handle the situation. makes sense right? i was instructed with a very strict text before i was allowed into the truck that i was not to talk and to pretend i wasn't there. normally i am not the one being instructed so i did as i was told and snuggled up into my comforter for the winding drive i knew would take us to bear lake. we drove. he listened to my ipod and i thought in the silence. there are very few times when there is silence between us but it gave me a chance to pay attention to things i normally wouldn't have. i love nighttime. the snow on the trees is one of my favorite sights in the world. looking at the stars in the so clear and closer than life mountain sky is beautiful. that is why i have grown to enjoy it here. the river ran all they way along the journey with us. he is thoughtful. he used chapstick and without a word handed it to me knowing i would want it. he stopped once, got out, got a flashlight and got a waterbottle which amused me so much. he is always prepared and always has a place for things. he dramk from the bottle handed it to me, and got back in the car. he took his jacket off instead of turning the heat down because he knows that i am always cold. even in anger he thinks of me first. we continued to not speak, got to the opening of the valley into bear lake and then spun cookies before turning around and driving the whole way back. the only thing we almost hit was an owl, but otherwise all was safe. and although i am tired today. it was a good moment that we shared together. i often do not appreciate him the way that i should and i need to remember that.