i will never drink dr. pepper again

tonight was my night for a drive. yes again i found myself alongside my best friend, this time he was instructed to not talk and we listened only to a mix of music that i had made before going. there was a baconater with wendy's, fries, and a dr. pepper. this my last supper so to speak. i will never drink dr pepper again. not for a new years resolution, or as a diet or anything stupid like that. but for the memories it brings to me. no more. this night was truly my night to ponder and think of not only the past year, but of the past years, i thought back to 2006 to present and i smiled and cried and thought. the familiar road does not make me nervous like it used to. it brings me peace, knowing exactly where we are going, exactly where we will turn around, and exactly when we will be back from the starting time. i like knowing the end before i begin something. tonight we did not drive as fast. there was no heavy music, but that of mostly women, singing about loves that they have lost. one of my favorite lines "i'll move on baby just like you, when the desert floods and the grass turns blue, when the sailing ship don't need a moon, someday then i'll stop loving you" the road was clear until we got to my favorite spot, it is a turn right before the lookout onto bear lake before you go down into the town, there it magically was snowing, one moment it wasn't and the next around the corner there was snow. i hate snow normally, except for this kind that only happens in movies and my dreams, it was like pure diamonds, (i love diamonds) just softly falling. like glitter covering the road and trees. beautiful coldness enveloping everything. we wound down the road and i saw a dear, or the white tail through the darkness and snow and i told him, of course he didn't believe me, but i have been trained to look for deer on the side of the roads while driving through all weather from a dad and a brother, and we turned around, sure enough right where i had said there was a very masculine deer with a set of antlers, with his beautiful doe just behind him in the saftey of his presence. oh what love. that was my reminder. love is happy. not always no, but underlying always it is peaceful and protection and knowledge that you will be taken care of and loved regardless of what comes your way. i just haven't found that yet. as we drove back to my new home my sadness was not so sad. i knew that someday this day would come that my last words would be, "it's ok. it's done." and today was that day, and today i really meant it. not out of spite or anger or hurt, but out of love itself. because it is done and it is time to move on.

"I guess it's gonna have to hurt,I guess I'm gonna have to cry,And let go of some things I've loved,To get to the other side,I guess it's gonna break me down,Like falling when you try to fly,It's sad, but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life,Starts with goodbye."

welcome 2010. i am ready for something new. xoxo

M