there are so many times that i wish i could feel the same way i felt at a certain point in time because i don't feel that way anymore. there are times that i want the strength, the patience, the confidence, the ability to laugh things off, so easily like i once had, but then i don't feel the same. sometimes it is frustrating. tomorrow is the beginning of a new semester. i am so scared. i feel as if tomorrow is my first day of college. tippy is not coming with me this time, and i don't know anyone in any of my classes. before the idea of this would have seemed so appealing to me. i used to LOVE getting to know every single person and being friends with them. now, not so much. i am much more reserved and people just make me nervous. living here makes me nervous. i don't like the continual hunt that everyone is on, even though i also am involved, my experience and relationship was far away and almost not real, here there is always drama whether good or bad of fantastic relationships or failed ones where everyone involved is hurt and thought that something more would for sure happen. i don't want to get into that. i should attempt going on dates but it just doesn't seem appealing to me at all. i am very comfortable not caring about what some boy thinks i should think, act or look like. but i am lonely at the same time. such a stupid cycle. either way, i am nervous about going to school because it is my natural self to make friends with people. that is just how i am when i have to be. i can't not talk to people and so it is my first day of school all over again. almost like a second chance at least knowing what i am going into this time. there is a part of me that see's the challenge and accepts it and is looking forward to new things and new friends, but also the part that is just wanting to hold back. i need to work on being more open and allowing people into my life so that they can bless it and maybe i can bless theirs in some way or another somehow. either way tomorrow will happen and i can make it good or bad, and it will be good. night night xoxo
M