last post everrrrrrr

today is my last blog post everrrrrrrrrr as megan freaking keller. i am going to make a new blog for mr and mrs bongiovi (meeeee!!! eeek!!!) and that is what i will write on from now on. love you all.

M

we got our engagement pictures done by Kellee Smith this past week. we love them. love her. and had so much fun! to view them go to www.momentsbykellee.com/blog and please leave a comment on the page so that we can get a free 8x10 =) thanks and so much love <3

what if

as most of you know i am now engaged to the dashing drew bongiovi. he is sweet, handsome, charming, and knows ME so so well. i do love him so. as you all know as well, i am not the best about expressing my feelings. it is difficult for me, but for some reason this evening i am feeling quite soft. (most likely because i just went to letters to juliet all alone and cried the whole movie.) but my mind has been thinking about this topic for quite some time so i have decided to write about it, more so for myself than for any of you or anyone that may happen to cross onto this silly thing. i believe in love. all types of love, day love, week love, month love, minute love, (my mother will atest to all of this) i also believe in more than one big love in life, but i do very much believe in real, true and deep love that cannot be tossed about. as you all know most likely, i was almost engaged, almost so soon ago that it is surprising that i m engaged now. although all involved know the story so we do not need to go into that. but the past boy, was a good guy. i know that i was in love with him. several of the types of love that i have named above. if we would have gotten engaged and married i am sure that we would have made it work. however, i do not just want to make it work. i want to think of my special love when i hear any and all love songs, i want to be reminded of them when i see love around me, i want to watch silly chick flicks and always associate the best man in the movie with the man that i myself am in love with. luckily i did not have to think about what if. and it has been the best for all of us. i am so happy, and peaceful within my heart and myself. i feel so lucky, and so blessed to be able to have drew in my life. he has been my best friend for what feels like forever now, but still has not been long enough for either of us. we have so much fun together, but we also have a life together. it is not perfect by any standards, but it is just my kind of love. i never ever question if he is in love with me, or if i am truly in love with him. i just know that i am. he is my everything. everday with him is special. i am surprised by how good it is. that is all for now. love all. xoxoxo
M

update update update

well here i am in utah still. but i don't believe its a hellhole like i used to. it's actually quite nice here in my cozy little home of logan. =)

First things first! i am blonde. see below

NEXT

i actually REALLY love the mountains here. =) again see below

also i hike now. i have walked up two mountains in just a week. and one was a waterfall, except that wasn't me that much because drew carried me up the waterfall basically crawling on his hands and needs and it was muddy and slickery and i was very scared but i went just like a good girl just for him

see below

also i have some new best friends that take care of me i love love love them

they take really good care of me and we play peekaboo =) i also get to see my other little monsters who i just love as well!!!

bodie is also quite smitten with drew, he thinks he's the next best thing to preston because he is a boy

i

think

they are

sooooooooooooooo

CUTE

SO THINGS ARE PRETTY SUNNYHERE

and I am very very happy.

also i got a new job here in logan and it is at the sports academy, the only bad thing is that i must wear khaki pants everyday but it is still a great job. I LOVE IT! it makes me feel like my old self again and it is very enjoyable for me to see people everyday and become friends with so many fun, and nice people. i work 6 days out of the week and sometimes twice in one day, but i love it so it is worth it to me.

the only sad thing is that drew is going to leave for a few months and sell in portland, BLECHK

but we think it will be good for us and he is looking forward to getting out of a kitchen and doing something with the opportunity to make more money. we are planning on seeing each other abou every three weeks (eeeeek we've never been away from each other that long, EVER! even when we were just friends!!!!) but we know it will work out. life is very very good. =) loves hugs and kisses! xoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxoox

M

just gibberish.

well i've figured out what love is. that is a good thing. i also like school pretty well. and i have had a great day today.

this morning i was walking to the bus that was already there but it started pulling away so i went to cross the street since it was leaving, but then! the busdriver pulled over again and waited just for me!!!! i thought it was so nice and we talked the whole way up and he told me all about how he used to have to wait an extra long time at the stop where he and his wife lived and he knew what it was like to just miss the bus. it was so nice.

i then went to my class (marriage and family relations) it is my favorite.
then i came home. and we went to get food and just because we felt like it we went to burger king and then carl's junior and then pizza hut. it was marvelous. then we went and saw holly and bodie. i love them. i love that i can go there. i love that they are here.

then i went to my office hour and was surrounded by funny people and then went to our ambassador meeting that was visiting the elderly at legacy house where we put on a talent show for them and talked to them for a while. it was so nice. there were so many nice people. there was a couple that both had dementia, the same kind in the same stage and they took care of each other, it was amazing to see. then one of the ambassadors sang an elvis song and the woman next to me who had to have been at least 82 sang the song word for word in a beautiful voice. it was marvelous. my heart is full.

also here is what love is. it is making it work. it is keeping things together regardless of the situation and it is about encouraging each other and supporting each other. it is being happy with every day that is "ordinary" and not forgetting the days that are "extraordinary". it is always remembering why you fell in love in the first place and finding more and more reasons to love.

today was so good. and it was just another day. perfect. that is all.

m

love

this morning i went to wal mart after deciding if i didn't get medicine and juice i would die for sure. tippy and drew came along of course. we were walking and i was going on and on about how stupid valentines day because of all the fake love and how it has just become some consumerist stupid excuse for a holiday and that i despise it and all of the cheap chocolate and fuzzy fake animals that say dumb things like "love forever 2010" yeah that relationships going to last three more weeks. anyway we were watching people look at all of the love contraband but there was one that stopped my sentance short that i have been thinking about all day. there was an older gentlemen, probably in his early eighties, looking through the boquet of flowers. for some reason it brought me memories of my grandpa buttars and i couldn't help but get a little emotional. that to me is what valentine's day is for. it is for real love. it is a celebration of love. it is not an obligation or an expectance. it is rejoicing in having someone in your life that makes everything worth living for, and yet so much better than that. that to me is what valentines day is for. real. true. love.

M

it's confusing don't you think

life.
oh life.
it confuses me. why things change. why things that we want the very most don't work. why friendships don't seem like friendships anymore. why things just change. everything is always changing. i am always changing. but at the same time, i never have changed, i'm the same as i was when i was tiny i just have to act like a grown up. i wonder how often people that i view as old feel. how they think of going out and dancing and then look at their hands and realize that they aren't twenty-something anymore and that they better stay home. my new philosophy is that i could easily die anytime, anyday and so i might as well do what i want while i can. now don't take this as some creepy note or anything about death, but i have been thinking about how time and circumstances change your actions. so if i want to go tanning now, YES i will get wrinkles later but guess what? i will anyways! i might get cancer but you can also get cancer from water bottles left in cars, styrofoam in microwaves, small children, genetics, lots of things. so rather than living for the future i am trying to live for right now. to do things that are enjoyable. my new favorite days are not the best days or the worst days. they are the days that just "are". those are the days that are special because life is a blessing and it is enjoyable to be apart of it. school is good. i like my classes. there ARE very attractive boys here i just didn't see them because i was wearing blinders before. but all of a sudden they're popping up all over the place! so it's ok to smile on the bus at a cute boy. it's ok to enjoy the simple things. and to not have to control everything because when i try it gets ruined. so instead i am just going to live and see what happens. that is all. xoxo
M

today was the beginning

today i started my new semester. today i got ready. today i was nice to people i didn't know. today i went to a basketball game. and today i even already read most of a chapter for my psychology class. tonight he didn't say goodnight, the only communication that he has been allowing, and tonight i deleted everything i ever said to him including pictures on stupid facebook. why? well here is the thing, i feel that i am being let go, and to be let go, you must also let go. i don't want to be that girl that continues to go back and look at things that used to be. i want to pretend like it never happened and someday it will feel like it never did. so here i type on this blog because i can't sleep until he says goodnight.... it's going to be a long one. but i am resiliant. i am strong. and i am not scared to be alone. i know that this is happening for a reason, and i know that there are things i will learn from this. i will only be made better through this situation. and someday, i might be able to find someone that will push away my fears of never being loved equally, and i will be blessed and happy. or i might never get married in this life and that too would be alright. i am trying and that in itself is something.

there are so many times that i wish i could feel the same way i felt at a certain point in time because i don't feel that way anymore. there are times that i want the strength, the patience, the confidence, the ability to laugh things off, so easily like i once had, but then i don't feel the same. sometimes it is frustrating. tomorrow is the beginning of a new semester. i am so scared. i feel as if tomorrow is my first day of college. tippy is not coming with me this time, and i don't know anyone in any of my classes. before the idea of this would have seemed so appealing to me. i used to LOVE getting to know every single person and being friends with them. now, not so much. i am much more reserved and people just make me nervous. living here makes me nervous. i don't like the continual hunt that everyone is on, even though i also am involved, my experience and relationship was far away and almost not real, here there is always drama whether good or bad of fantastic relationships or failed ones where everyone involved is hurt and thought that something more would for sure happen. i don't want to get into that. i should attempt going on dates but it just doesn't seem appealing to me at all. i am very comfortable not caring about what some boy thinks i should think, act or look like. but i am lonely at the same time. such a stupid cycle. either way, i am nervous about going to school because it is my natural self to make friends with people. that is just how i am when i have to be. i can't not talk to people and so it is my first day of school all over again. almost like a second chance at least knowing what i am going into this time. there is a part of me that see's the challenge and accepts it and is looking forward to new things and new friends, but also the part that is just wanting to hold back. i need to work on being more open and allowing people into my life so that they can bless it and maybe i can bless theirs in some way or another somehow. either way tomorrow will happen and i can make it good or bad, and it will be good. night night xoxo
M

i will never drink dr. pepper again

tonight was my night for a drive. yes again i found myself alongside my best friend, this time he was instructed to not talk and we listened only to a mix of music that i had made before going. there was a baconater with wendy's, fries, and a dr. pepper. this my last supper so to speak. i will never drink dr pepper again. not for a new years resolution, or as a diet or anything stupid like that. but for the memories it brings to me. no more. this night was truly my night to ponder and think of not only the past year, but of the past years, i thought back to 2006 to present and i smiled and cried and thought. the familiar road does not make me nervous like it used to. it brings me peace, knowing exactly where we are going, exactly where we will turn around, and exactly when we will be back from the starting time. i like knowing the end before i begin something. tonight we did not drive as fast. there was no heavy music, but that of mostly women, singing about loves that they have lost. one of my favorite lines "i'll move on baby just like you, when the desert floods and the grass turns blue, when the sailing ship don't need a moon, someday then i'll stop loving you" the road was clear until we got to my favorite spot, it is a turn right before the lookout onto bear lake before you go down into the town, there it magically was snowing, one moment it wasn't and the next around the corner there was snow. i hate snow normally, except for this kind that only happens in movies and my dreams, it was like pure diamonds, (i love diamonds) just softly falling. like glitter covering the road and trees. beautiful coldness enveloping everything. we wound down the road and i saw a dear, or the white tail through the darkness and snow and i told him, of course he didn't believe me, but i have been trained to look for deer on the side of the roads while driving through all weather from a dad and a brother, and we turned around, sure enough right where i had said there was a very masculine deer with a set of antlers, with his beautiful doe just behind him in the saftey of his presence. oh what love. that was my reminder. love is happy. not always no, but underlying always it is peaceful and protection and knowledge that you will be taken care of and loved regardless of what comes your way. i just haven't found that yet. as we drove back to my new home my sadness was not so sad. i knew that someday this day would come that my last words would be, "it's ok. it's done." and today was that day, and today i really meant it. not out of spite or anger or hurt, but out of love itself. because it is done and it is time to move on.

"I guess it's gonna have to hurt,I guess I'm gonna have to cry,And let go of some things I've loved,To get to the other side,I guess it's gonna break me down,Like falling when you try to fly,It's sad, but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life,Starts with goodbye."

welcome 2010. i am ready for something new. xoxo

M

night vision

last night i found myself in a truck alongside my best friend at four in the morning. crazyness. this kid was in a bad mood, and when he's a grump he drives. i know this and let him go often, but last night for some reason i was scared to let him go alone. my motherly controlling instincts kicked in and i rolled out of my bed at 2:56am so that i would know that if he did hit black ice or an elk, at least i would be there to handle the situation. makes sense right? i was instructed with a very strict text before i was allowed into the truck that i was not to talk and to pretend i wasn't there. normally i am not the one being instructed so i did as i was told and snuggled up into my comforter for the winding drive i knew would take us to bear lake. we drove. he listened to my ipod and i thought in the silence. there are very few times when there is silence between us but it gave me a chance to pay attention to things i normally wouldn't have. i love nighttime. the snow on the trees is one of my favorite sights in the world. looking at the stars in the so clear and closer than life mountain sky is beautiful. that is why i have grown to enjoy it here. the river ran all they way along the journey with us. he is thoughtful. he used chapstick and without a word handed it to me knowing i would want it. he stopped once, got out, got a flashlight and got a waterbottle which amused me so much. he is always prepared and always has a place for things. he dramk from the bottle handed it to me, and got back in the car. he took his jacket off instead of turning the heat down because he knows that i am always cold. even in anger he thinks of me first. we continued to not speak, got to the opening of the valley into bear lake and then spun cookies before turning around and driving the whole way back. the only thing we almost hit was an owl, but otherwise all was safe. and although i am tired today. it was a good moment that we shared together. i often do not appreciate him the way that i should and i need to remember that.